With your own children that you’ve raised from birth, there’s a natural connection. A bond and an understanding that has grown and evolved throughout every stage of their childhood. You know all of their likes and dislikes. Strength and weaknesses. The things that motivate them and the ones that stress them out. You are undeniably an important part of their life. But when you join a family that had a life before you, it’s not so simple. Sometimes you need encouragement for when you feel unappreciated.

The latest addition to the puzzle

You walk into their lives, accepting that you’ll never be “mom”, and for most of us, we don’t expect to be. But we grow to love them. We care for them. We aim to be the best role model we can be.

But despite all that we do to be good for them and provide the best care and support, we feel unappreciated. Unloved.

There are times when you wonder: am I doing this right?

The feeling that no matter what you do, your efforts simply aren’t appreciated. That no matter how many times the other side makes mistakes, you still are just “the other woman”, the stepmom.

Frustration and confusion

For the last 2 months, my stepson has been playing baseball, and to put it kindly, his mother has not been supportive at all. Not even shown up to any of his games. His grandparents, myself, and his stepsisters have come to all of them. Why? Because we love baseball, and more so, because we love him. We recognize the importance of supporting each other in the hobbies that we love. Encouraging healthy activities. Fostering a sense of encouragement, love, belonging.

Every weekend, we watch him be upset that yet again, he knows she won’t show up. Won’t take him to practices or games on her visitation time. He begs for her to take him, to let him play, all for her to claim that they have plans which magically never happen. And yet, he still hopes that she’ll be there when she says the night before, “I’m gonna come watch you play”, and doesn’t show up. A heart filled with disappointment.

This past weekend, after 6 weeks of her constantly saying that she will not support him playing baseball, she did just that. “I’ll be there, I’ll come watch you play.” Saturday came and went. No show. Her excuse? “It was too far to drive.” And my poor stepson sank into his seat once more, exclaiming that “she never supports me playing baseball”. His paternal grandparents, his maternal grandmother, his father, his stepsisters, and I all managed to drive out there for two days in a row. Watched every game.

Despite all the times that she disappoints him and doesn’t support him, he still has that innocent desire and hope that she will. Part of me wonders, “why? How many times can she break her son’s heart before it becomes too much for him?” But as we all know, there’s a bond that exists between a parent and young children, one that absolves them of all sins. Regardless of the continuous disappointment.

Am I doing this right?

And though his team lost in the semifinals that day, at least he had the rest of his family.

As we prepared to leave, he asked his dad to get him a snow cone. After all, he had just played 4 games in 2 days. He more than deserved the special treat.

His stepsisters and I went ahead to begin packing the trunk with the canopy, the folding chairs, the coolers. And just as we were finishing, I see him walking up to me, smiling as wide as can be. Snow cone in one hand. The other behind his back. Knowing the character of my stepson, I figured he had an innocent prank hidden behind his back.

But to my complete surprise, he pulled out this hat. “I bought it for you! I begged dad to buy it!”

And that right there, through tears of joy and an overwhelmed heart, I knew:

I’m doing something right.

Being a stepparent is a daily challenge. There’s no unspoken bond that exists only because of a blood relation. There’s often a constant battle with the ex, whispering toxic words into their ears, doing everything possible to undermine your part in their life. But you chose their parent for life. And you chose them. Sometimes, you just have to take it a day at a time and just love them. Support them. Be there for them. Find your moments of encouragement when you feel unappreciated.