Their grades are slipping, you're struggling for them to do their homework, every evening is a constant battle. I get it. I don't want to work every day either. But it's what we have to do to survive. And they must get good grades to succeed in school and pass each class and grade. They'd rather jump on a phone or a tablet, or run outside to play with friends. And hey, who wouldn't? But that's not going to help them in the long run, and being an adult is going to hit them hard.

I know the story far too well.

Our struggle

For the past year, I've joined forces with my partner to get my stepson back on track. At the other house, homework isn’t important. Fun comes first and others bend to the will of two young children. No one checks their bookbags when they get picked up from school. No one cares to check due dates or folders. It's been a constant argument for the kids to do their homework and turn it in when they aren't home with us.

And as a result, assignments aren't turned in on time, and we end up trying to cram in homework and studying before they go to bed after visiting the other side. For an entire semester, grades were in serious trouble and it was a nightly argument with our middle schooler to do what he's supposed to do. Turn in the homework. Complete things on time. Study for a quiz or test.

Our strategy

Here at our home, we enforce schoolwork first before anything else. Almost every day for a year, we received push back. Arguing. Whining. A stubborn determination to avoid doing his homework. One of my favorite phrases with the kids is, "you spend more time arguing with us than just getting it done" and "if you had done it when we asked, you'd already be doing other things."

Firm time blocks

Without fail, we do homework before and after dinner, and even right after pickups and before bed. Sometimes the argument is "I can finish tomorrow morning", but when an assignment given that day has to be turned in by midnight, we have no choice but to push through.

I also make sure that the youngest reads every morning during breakfast. She struggles to read at night before bed because by then she is tired. In the morning she is more focused and it helps her get ready for the day. And her brother reviews things for a test or starts a new assignment or project a bit early.

Kids thrive on schedules and routines. You may be tempted to break the routine, but I urge you to stay firm. If you deter from the routine, getting them back on it becomes harder each time. They will get used to it, the days and evenings will become easier, and soon they'll be doing it without you asking.

Studying frequently

We keep an eye on any communication from teachers on upcoming quiz or test dates and study for as many as we can. If they are home with us, they are studying. If there are multiple tests coming up, then we pour all the focus into the nearest one and then move onto the next.

I sit down with my stepson many mornings during breakfast and help him study for tests. We do homework before and after dinner. We keep them on track.

It only takes one really bad test grade to destroy a class grade. I make it a point for them to study with us and do mini quizzes with us until they can get almost everything right. If they aren't able to answer the questions from their homework or solve the math problems, then we keep studying. I'd rather them not watch tv for an hour than to fail a test and have to struggle to bring their grades up again.

Don't give up on your children

It wasn't always smooth sailing. For an entire year, it was a battle. It's not easy being the "not fun" parent when you know that their education is at risk and all a normal kid wants to do is play. But we had to do what was necessary for his success and to teach him good habits.

You want to play outside? Finish homework. You want to play a game? Finish studying until you get all the answers right (or pretty close to all). The only thing we allow to interfere with the progress of homework is dinner or a scheduled extracurricular (which we plan around in advance). 

When grades aren’t maintained at C or above, especially if any class is failing, we restrict their usage of devices. If they want to do something that isn’t studying or homework, they can read or find something creative to do. Remember the days when our imagination was sometimes the best “toy” we had?

It took a year. But they finally get it. It’s no longer a daily struggle. It’s no longer an argument. Once in a while there will be a complain of having to do homework late at night after pick up, but we remind them that they had their fun already and we need to finish it and turn it in. If they wanted to be able to enjoy being home with their devices, their outdoor activities, and their pets, they should have started homework after school.

My experience with my older kids

My older kids (soon to be a sophomore in college and a senior in high school) grew up with strong routines. Though I was a single parent for most of their formative years, I was very clear on what I expected from them. We do homework after school and study for tests and quizzes. We turn in homework on time.

Shows or part of a movie waited until after dinner and homework was done. We celebrated major victories and successful school projects, but they didn't get paid to get good grades. I was brought up with the mindset that things like good grades and chores (keeping up your home) were expected and not things to be rewarded.

By the time they were in middle school, I rarely ever had to check their grades or their homework. And now, they simply know what they have to do and when. They'll randomly get up from the dinner table after they've finished and say, "I'm gonna go study for my physics test", "I need to go finish homework", "I'm meeting with friends online to finish a class project we're presenting this week". They have learned well to put their responsibilities first and enjoy the rest of their free time after.

Trust me, it's going to be difficult at first, especially if you have someone attempting to undermine all of your efforts and diminishing the importance of schoolwork. But it is possible.

Life lessons for strong, responsible futures

All of this is a lesson in:

• Responsibility
• Doing what is necessary before what is fun
• Learning that sometimes we won’t like what needs to be done but that we do it anyway
• Doing things well- whatever you do, do it well

All of these skills will be crucial for their adulthood. No showing up to work chronically late. Not sleeping in and not delaying working. No more slacking off and not doing what you’re paid to do. We teach them young so they don’t struggle as young adults. So that they can thrive in a world that requires more than relaxing.

It’s a hard truth, but a necessary pill to swallow.

Be strong, do what's right for them, and be patient.