Life isn't fair. Life isn't always fun. And life doesn't discriminate in the dealing out of tragedies. Tragedy hits us all at some point. It can knock us down, cause us to lose everything, and get pretty close to killing us. But tragedies and the struggles of life shouldn't dictate who we are nor where we are going. It is possible to overcome.
Trust me, if tragedy were a badge of honor, I'd wear a few of them. I've been through:
- Being born two months premature
- Being sent to a foster home at a young age due to the lies of a family member
- Moved out in the second semester of high school
- Became a mom at 9 days short of 20-years-old with no college and no established career
- Lost everything (career, home, and marriage) due to the actions of my ex
- Divorce
- Mental/emotional abuse
- Physical abuse
- Betrayal and a victim of cheating
And possibly some more items that I simply don't recognize because I became numb to the pain for quite some time.
But every single time, I got back up. Fought harder. Pushed forward.
Learning from the difficult times
My friends say that I'm an optimist to a fault. Maybe that's true, but it's certainly gotten me through some difficult times. Three examples from my life are below.
A new mom at 9 days short of 20-years-old
When I became pregnant at 19, I had never considered being a parent before. It simply wasn't in my plans. I wanted to go to college. Get the lavish education and career. And then start a family. But once I saw "pregnant" written across that small, ever life-changing screen, I knew I had to work even harder and quicker for who-would-become my oldest daughter.
My already tenacious personality was kicked into overdrive. I took every skill I had and began looking for a job that would allow me to use them and grow. I knew that my $10/hr plus the $8/hr that my then-future-husband earned would not be enough to support a small family.
In my small skillset was the following:
- I was bilingual
- I had experience with clerical tasks like filing and basic data entry
- I could use Word, Powerpoint, and Excel (albeit on a basic level)
And all of this was enough to take me from being a store clerk to a secretary with a nice $5/hr increase. Plus, I wouldn't be on my feet in the latter months of pregnancy.
This strategy ended up being one that I have used time and time again as I climbed the career ladder.
And by the time she was born, I was able to afford a 2-bedroom apartment with my then-new-husband along with a decent, relatively new family car.
Losing everything due to the actions of my ex
This one nearly broke me, but the stubbornness within me refused to let me give up.
Back in 2011, my then-husband and I had it made. We had a career in ministry. We had our family of 4 (after welcoming our second daughter 2 years after the first). Our entire future was more-or-less planned out.
And then he committed one of the biggest crimes possible. Sexual assault of a minor. (You can read the full story here.)
Because of him, we had to leave the ministry. We had to give up our home. And our marriage was irrevocably lost.
As part of the divorce process in 2013, I was granted the right to bring my daughters back across the country, with nothing but kitchen dishes, clothing, and their toys. We lost everything and had to start life over from zero.
But I was unwilling to roll over and die, so-to-speak.
Long story short, I again used the technique of leveraging existing skills for a new job. I climbed the career ladder, went back to school late at night after they went to bed, and increased my pay along the way. (Read more here.)
And the one that broke me emotionally
A few years later, I began dating a man that was unlike anyone else I had dated before. He was smart, seemed levelheaded, had two kids of his own, and a fear of marriage (much like I did at the time). But the more I fell for him, the more he took advantage of my willingness to do things for him. The more I changed who I was, how I dressed, the places I would go for him, and the things I would do.
Never enough
And each time I was pushed far beyond my comfort zone, if I didn't perform exactly the way he wanted, he broke me emotionally. I was never good enough. Never sexy enough. Never outgoing enough. I wasn't his ex, and I realized too late that she is who he wanted me to be.
The very last night I spent with him, after failing to meet his expectations, he invited me to lay beside him to be held. I thought, "finally, he will hold me, cuddle me, comfort me." But his arm around me grew tighter and tighter around my neck until I gasped for air. I heard the anger in his breath in my ear behind me, his pulse raging in his forearm against my throat.
Of course, like any abuser, he let go and apologized, claiming he lost his cool and wouldn't do it again.
Broken and empty
Finally, he had broken me more than anyone ever had before. I didn't sleep at all that night. I went home the following morning, with an immense weight in my chest. An odd mix of being empty and heartbroken. I was just a toy. A pawn. Something he could use to get what he wanted and nothing more.
The moment I never looked back
A few weeks later, I joked that maybe I could be ok with an open relationship if he could be ok with someone else loving me. And he was fine with it. In that moment, I managed to muster the strength to end it. To delete every text, every picture, every memory. And block his number for good.
Broken and scarred, but with a firm knowledge that it was over and my heart was completely closed to him. It had taken me a year to finally reach my breaking point, but I did it.
Luckily for me, I found my current partner, who understands everything I went through with the previous one. Who helped me heal and repair some of my wounds and smooth out my scars.
Never give up, never stop trying
Whenever something destroyed the plans I had for my future, I worked harder to provide for my daughters. To excel in my career. To secure their well-being.
Every time someone broke me and betrayed me, I healed and gave love a chance again (and I am so grateful that I did). Wiser and better able to recognize the warning signs.
No matter what happens, I look for a silver lining. A lesson to learn. I recognize red flags and become less susceptible to abuse or manipulation. I no longer allow anyone to push me into a corner or talk down to me. I've learned to deal with negativity diplomatically and with as much integrity as I can muster.
This doesn't mean that I don't get tired. Sad. Burnt out. It simply means that I am not a slave to my past.
I have a quote hanging in my bedroom.
No matter what happens in your life, you can learn from it. You can grow from it. And move away from it. You do not have to eternally stay in the same situations, the same feelings, the same pain.
Be strong and find your new future, your happiness.