One of the biggest headaches for ex-spouses with kids is the court paperwork. First actually agreeing to a parenting plan. And then actually following it. Once you’ve overcome the first hurdle of getting a signed agreement in court, you then have to follow it either until the children are adults or until there is a court modification to the paperwork. While in no way am I a lawyer (which you should consult before any legal action), a judge, nor a social worker, I do have some suggestions from personal experience. Below are some thoughts on how to follow the paperwork, how to enforce following court paperwork, and how to make sure that you keep yourself legally safe.
Know your paperwork like the back of your hand
For the most part, court agreements will be pretty black-and-white, but that won’t stop either party from trying to deviate from, ignore, or even flat out invent things that don’t exist. Make sure that you study your court agreement like your custody and kids depended on it. Because they do.
Know exactly when drop offs are and when, the special rules for holidays and extended breaks, the rules around communication, school, and everything in between.
Have a copy of the signed court agreement on your person, both as a digital pdf copy in your phone(s) and as a physical copy in your vehicle. You never know when you will need to pull it out to reference or even to show a legal authority.
Remember — this is just as much about keeping them on the straight-and-narrow as it is about making sure that you keep yourself legally safe, too. Know every detail about the paperwork to keep yourself from committing any consequence-worthy actions.
Referencing and proving your stance
Despite there being a court agreement for visitation for a long time now and both parties following it fairly well, we had an issue where the non-custodial parent decided that she would keep the kids an extra night past the holiday-scheduled drop off date and time. Without telling the custodial parent. We only found out when one of the children mentioned that they wouldn’t be at pick up.
Luckily, we have a copy of the parenting agreement on our phones for very quick access. Within minutes, the custodial parent was able to screenshot the specific locations in the agreement and send them to the non-custodial parent to reinforce the agreed upon visitation schedule. There was an attempt to alter it by inventing language that doesn’t exist, however, the ink is set and was quite clear.
Be firm in referencing the paperwork as often as you need so that both parties stay in line and in compliance. Don’t be afraid to send exact screenshots of certain sections if there are any arguments.
And again, this is for your compliance as well. Follow it to a T, even when you don’t like it.
Modifications
For some court agreements, there may be a specific section that details what can be modified by mutual agreement and what can’t. In our case, things like drop off locations can be changed by mutual agreement, but actual custody can’t.
Make sure that every single agreement is recorded somewhere. Video, call, text, signed/notarized document, etc. Keep that every important discussion is documented for court records later. Avoid the he said/she said back and forth. If one party doesn’t want to put it in writing or on recording, then the agreement doesn’t happen. But be careful — not all states allow recording with video or audio. Some are one-party consent states, some require both parties to give consent, and others are against it completely. Know your state laws and discuss with a lawyer if you have any questions, doubts, or concerns.
If there is something that is required by court to be modified through the court, do not skip that mandate. Contact your lawyer.
Know the laws in your state and county
Discuss what laws can be enforced when it comes to non-compliance of court mandated paperwork with a lawyer. Research the statutes around custody, travel, and anything else you can think of.
The more informed you are, the more capable you can be of making sound, clear, correct decisions. And again, contact a lawyer for any questions, concerns, or doubts.
Free advice from lawyers
If you’re hesitant to contact a lawyer because it can get expensive, please remember that every action you take could have consequences if not thoroughly investigated and vetted.
A couple of options to help you get answers without breaking the bank are:
- Free consultations (be careful: review the terms and conditions thoroughly before you follow through with any consultation)
- Avvo.com — great place for free advice from real lawyers in every state, county, and area of legal expertise. You can even ask anonymous questions.
It’s not about you; it’s not about the ex
One of the hardest things for us to do (as parents in general) is remove our own emotions from the equation. Our anger. The jealousy. Personal resentment. Old scars. But it’s not about us. It’s about the kids.
Our interactions with our exes should be nothing more than business discussions and legal interactions. Whatever emotion-filled, memory-laden topic comes up should be put to the side.
Parenting agreements are set up for the benefit of the children, not for our benefit. Every decision we make should be for their benefit and in accordance with the court paperwork. Do we miss them? Of course we do. Do we disagree with how the other side parents? Sure. Does your ex have jealous episodes with your new spouse’s involvement in their life? Probably.
If we agreed on it all, we probably wouldn’t have divorced them to begin with.
Courts don’t like changing the agreed upon documents. Not unless there is something that is detrimental or negligent happening with the other parent. In which case you need proof.
If the children are well-cared-for, safe, healthy, and not in any danger, then you probably won’t get any changes forced by a judge. Your best bet will be to either have modifications, made with signatures from both sides, submitted to the court, or to have undeniable proof that the children are in harm’s way.
And if you do have proof — get a lawyer right away!
Takeaways for how to enforce following court paperwork
Post-divorce arguments often involve legal entities and documents. Make sure that you’re doing what you’re supposed to.
- Know the paperwork in great detail
- Reference it often
- Documents all agreements, modifications, and discussions
- Avoid he said she said
- Know your local laws that can help enforce court paperwork
- Talk to a lawyer whenever major concerns arise
- Treat interactions with the ex-spouse like a business discussion or a legal interaction
- And it’s worth saying again — talk to a lawyer!