For quite some time now, I’ve wondered, “why does she hate me so much?”
I never knew her or my partner when they were going through divorce. I didn’t cause the divorce. I have been kind and considerate despite her outbursts and insults, her belittling and attempts to manipulate me.
I don’t do drugs, get drunk, or mistreat the kids. I make sure they are well cared for and even encourage them to call her each night even when they don’t want to. What could I possibly be doing wrong?
Can’t we all just get along for the kids?
Finally Asking Why
One day, when the kids were telling me how much “mommy doesn’t like you”, I asked them, “do you know why mommy doesn’t like me?”
Their replies said it all:
- Because you are with Daddy
- Because you bought a house with Daddy.
- because you live with Daddy.
- Because we live with you.
The answer became clear as day. It’s the green monster: Jealousy.
How to Deal with the Overall Negative Behavior
I continued to brush off her belittling, her snide comments to the kids, her attempts to reduce my financial success to a mountain of lies, and her brazen moments of being in my face.
Until the day I stood up to her and made it quite clear: “you will be kind and respectful or you will not address me at all.” Since then, she’s avoided me like the plague. Going so far as to park 20+ spaces away at the park to drop off the kids.
In my personal situation, the solution to (at least temporarily) stopping her negative behavior was to stand up to her and put a clear boundary in place.
But the jealousy remains. She still makes snide, rude comments to the kids, doing everything she can to undermine my place in their lives.
How to Deal with Jealousy
Now that her negative behavior had taken a step to the side, I had a new question on my mind more often than not: “how can I combat this feeling she has, how can I deal with jealousy?”
The previous attempts I made included:
- Reenforcing with her and the kids that I don’t want to take her place
- Reminding the kids that she is their mother and loves them
- Reassuring her that I only want to take care of them when they are with me
- Inviting her to their events and ensuring her and her side of the family that I have no ill feelings towards them
- Asking her out for coffee or the like so that she can learn more about me
Every attempt has been met with animosity on her side.
I wondered how many other stepmoms are dealing with the same green monster and decided to ask social media: how do you deal with it? The answers were overwhelming leaning towards one general answer…
Ignore it. Let her fester in her own jealousy and don’t waste your time, energy, or emotions on something you can’t control.
A New Strategy
It’s not in my control nor my responsibility to change her heart or her emotions. What IS in my control is my behavior and my reactions.
And that is now my new strategy on how to deal with jealousy, for keeping my integrity, and not letting her have any control over me. I choose to live my life with my partner and with all of our children home together. Caring for them, teaching them, helping them with school, and being the best I can be for them.
How would you deal with the green monster in your life?