Make your home a place of peace

When I think of “home”, I think of my personal place of refuge, rest, peace, and comfort. A place that I can wind down after a long day and make happy memories with my family. For those of us that have been divorced though, we know well that it’s not always so ideal.

In considering your partner’s divorce, as with most divorces, things probably were not peaceful and happy at home before the divorce nor during the divorce. Maybe not even after. The events leading up to and during divorce usually include anger, resentment, yelling, and arguing.

Unfortunately, the children in your care have probably witnessed more arguing and negativity from their biological parents than necessary. Nights of sadness. Watching the family being torn apart. Helpless to fix the parents or erase the screaming. Their home was not a place of peace.

Learning from Experience

When I was a young child, my parents argued off-and-on about everything you can imagine. Finances. Chores. Work. Infidelity. Everything. I watched my father struggle to maintain a home while working full-time, and take care of my brother, my mother, and me. All while my mother was a stay-at-home mom, yet didn’t clean, didn’t cook, spent all his money, and betrayed his trust.

After watching them fall apart year after year, with constant arguments, narcissistic and empty threats and tantrums from my mother, my father finally called it quits. He filed for divorce. And despite the expectation that a child would want them to stay together, I was happy. It meant no more anger. No more screaming. No more sleepless nights listening to them repeat the same old verbal battles that I had heard for over a decade. It meant peace and a new beginning. The trauma of my parents constantly in turmoil heavily outweighed any moments of joy.

Repeating the Cycle

I hoped that I would never put my kids through that. And I tried earnestly to maintain the problems “behind closed doors”, sometimes failing to do so.

In my previous marriage, there were moments when I was left screaming for my ex to stop his drunken rants. His false accusations borne of inebriation. His insults directed at my kids. And when we finally split, my kids were happy. They knew that it was the best thing for me. For them. They had endured too much for too long.

Nonetheless, the damage had been done. They had their own trauma, their own fears. When I started dating my partner, they were nervous, wary, critical, skeptical. And understandably so. The one that claimed to love me and them had treated us so poorly. Had misused substances. Had given them reasons to not want another “father figure” in their life. They swore up and down that they never wanted another “dad”.

And my loving partner, understanding the trauma that we went through, vowed to never push that on them. He promised to be the best male role model that they could have, teaching them how a man should treat a woman. How a man should care for his family. How a man should raise his children. And what a wonderful job he has done. He has gained their trust and a special bond of his own with them. They may not see him as a “stepdad” in the way that his kids see me as their stepmom, but he is definitely special to them.

Renewing the Promise to my kids and step kids

Now, older, wiser, and with two new children in our family (my step kids), I have renewed my vow to not let them see any arguments. To handle disagreements with my partner calmly and practically. Not letting my emotions drive me to raising my voice or saying anything about their father. Striving to make our home a place of peace.

Of course, it helps that he and I rarely ever disagree, much less argue. We have debates and discussions, but we tend to do so healthily. Avoiding yelling. Never insulting each other. We don’t slam doors or make a scene. We are much more in-control of our emotions and our reactions.

On the way to school one morning, my stepson was arguing with me about something related to school, some instruction or guidance I gave him. So I asked him, “why do you feel like you need to argue what I’m asking you to do?” His response? “Maybe because my mom and dad argued all the time.” He slumped into the seat next to me, reflecting on what he had just said. As I watched him sit in silence for a few moments, I pulled into the school drop off and said, “honey, you don’t have to worry about that anymore. You have a new life now. I promise.”

Encouragement and Support

Along with the yelling and the arguments comes the insults and belittling. I’ve witnessed my partner’s ex curse at, insult, name call, and belittle their father on multiple occasions. Most of the time in her outbursts. Sometimes to try to sway them to her point of view. And in response, I make sure that I consistently and earnestly praise their father for the wonderful things he does.

I make note that their father is a wonderful father and an amazing man. I shower him with affection, love, and support. Firstly, because he deserves it. And secondly, because they deserve to hear positivity and uplifting words.

We work together to support the family financially, in chores, in upkeep, in extracurriculars. We show them that parents work together to get through difficult times. With love, with kindness, with honesty.