Let’s face it — blended families and bringing in new parental figures or role models is commonplace in today’s world. If you’re dating in your 30’s or later, then chances are that either you or your partner has been divorced and may even have children. And these relationships are usually even more sensitive and cautious than others. Amongst all the drama, keeping your integrity as a new stepparent or bonus parent can seem downright difficult at times.

Every parent who is dating someone new goes through the worries and concerns of introducing their children to the new person and wondering if they are right for the family.

I remember, at 12-years-old, watching my dad reenter the dating scene. The good women, the crazy ones, the ones he loved more than anything in the world, and the heartbreak along the way.

My experience with my new stepmom

When I was 12, my parents divorced. And it was the best thing for my dad and for us kids. Their marriage was full of arguments, financial difficulties, and unspoken struggles. And of course, my dad ended up dating again and finding someone new in the woman that would become my stepmom.

Either from being a bit older or remembering the pain and anger between my own parents, I welcomed her with open arms. She was a strong woman with a career underway and three kids of her own. She was a good mother. And her kids, to a degree, took to my dad well as their stepdad, knowing quite well that their Dad is still Dad.

I fondly remember one moment when my dad was roughhousing and playing with them on the floor. My youngest stepsister sat on my dad, smacked him on the face, and said “you’re not my dad”. Completely unexpected, and while we all look back and laugh, we expected it to happen once in a while (just not in the middle of playing games). I know the day will come when my bonus kids tell me “you’re not my mom”, and I respect that and will continue to care for them.

But one thing I never really quite thought about until it was my turn to be Bonus Mom to two wonderful young children…

The seemingly unwarranted struggle between Parent and Stepparent

Here and there, I would hear my stepmom say to my dad, “I don’t know why she hates me, I wasn’t even around when you two got divorced, I didn’t do anything to her.” Or I’d hear a snide remark from my mom about “she’s not your mom, she never will be”.

And now, I hear myself saying the same to my partner. “I haven’t done anything to her, why does she hate me? I don’t want to replace her, just to be a good role model for the kids and take care of them.”

And seeing the same snide remarks from his ex. “I can’t stand seeing you with her. I’d come back to you if you wanted me back. I still love you. She’s not your wife/their mom. You and I never went on trips like that when we were married.”

Despite the crude remarks, I was determined to reach out and be the best I could be. I wondered, how can I keep my integrity as a new stepmom or bonus mom?

Extending the Olive Branch

My first conversation with her was via text. She had done well to avoid being anywhere close to me. Or to even acknowledge my existence. I extended an olive branch and an invitation to meet for coffee to discuss who I am and to reassure her that her kids are safe and well cared for in my presence. Unfortunately, it wasn’t well received and was met with a lot of badmouthing my partner.

I decided to do some research on possible reasons why an ex-spouse doesn’t like the new partner, looking for the best way to be sympathetic to her emotions and current position. I may not know exactly which reason is the catalyst for why there is anger, but I’ve done some research on common reasons.

Possible reasons that their ex may be against the new stepmom (or stepdad)

1. Feels like you’re trying to take her place
2. Feels like her marriage failed and wondering why she couldn’t make it work with him
3. Wonders why he is changing now when she wanted him to change then
4. Compares herself to you and feels threatened by anything that may make her feel inadequate
5. Feels like her children might one day love you, or love you more than her
6. Feels jealous that you spend time with her kids when they are not visiting her
7. Feels like he should still be hers
8. Feels like she can’t trust you, despite not wanting to meet you
9. Feels like you should not be part of any of the kids’ events

And what I truly gained from all of this was not validation for myself, but rather a better understanding of why she might be upset with me and a deeper resolve to be kind to her.

While I don’t always approve of the way she talks to my partner or her kids, I can see she’s hurting and I don’t want to add to her pain. Though that doesn’t mean that I will leave my partner nor stop caring for and being sweet and loving to his kids.

My takeaways on how to maintain integrity and keep my sanity

1. Continue to be kind
2. Continue to be cordial
3. Continue to be available to a co-parenting relationship
4. Never saying anything mean about her in front of her children
5. Always be positive
6. Always look to provide a good example for the kids
7. Remember it’s not about you — it’s about the kids
8. Don’t dwell on it — just go about your life and continue to do well

My hope will remain that one day, she and I can sit and watch baseball games and recitals together in peace, cheering on the little ones that deserve nothing but a positive and loving environment.